(Thanks to Brunch Noir for this meme!)
I’ve been very quiet here lately. I apologize for that. I wish I could express what I’m feeling right now. But, even this is so hard. I’ve been sitting at my kitchen table, staring at my computer for about 45 minutes now. Instead of writing this, I’ve paid all of my bills, ate breakfast, had a cup of coffee, and texted my friend about work.
Ah, “work”. I’m pushing 34 and peddling beer and burgers. More on that later.
The Usain Bolt meme is fitting. Way back in February, I was blindsided. Totally and utterly shocked when my “real life” job of nearly five years kicked me to the curb like yesterday’s trash. Some bullshit excuse and let the door close on me on the way out. For a small place such as where I was, the family aspect was huge. Only if you were IN their family. Not a facade at the front desk (who was instructed with the proper way to staple and paperclip documents). I was devastated over the act, not at the actual job. I thought I was worth more to them.
The only thing that saved me from this, was that on the horizon, SAFE WITH YOU was looming in publication. Last minute edits, exciting events, and outpouring of positivity blinded me from my so-called real life. But I quickly realized, way after the fact, that SAFE WITH YOU was a perfectly placed band-aid. Once the events and excitement widdled down, my subconscious came back with a vengeance. I then spiraled into a funk so deep, I could barely get myself out of it. The only thing to keep me afloat was another job, my fun job.
LOL, Sophie, meet life.
My fun job, was working for a brewery. One of my passions. Not to mention, the setting for a book I’ve been working on for years, but only could afford the back burner on a low simmer. Just like my “real job” I went into work one day, and again, was blindsided. A new business with a ridiculous overhead needed to make cuts, and apparently, my two-day-a-week position was one of them. No explanation. No apologies. In a place where there is literally ten employees, and to the customers you’re a favorite, it was like a divorce.
My spiral grew even deeper. Like those giant holes in Siberia where they can’t find a cause and don’t know how long they go until you hit bottom. What did I do to deserve this? Why do I keep getting thrown out? The one thing that suffered the most, was my only outlet when things were better. Writing.
My laptop was a paperweight, bill-paying machine with the browser history dedicated to Netflix. Every time I sat down to write, or do something fun, my subconscious told me that this too, could end. I couldn’t handle another divorce, another let down. So, I used (see: use) my twitter as a my own and barely interact how I should. I picked up a new job at a brand new restaurant and threw myself into it. Hours upon hours, miles upon miles walked. I could talk beer with cute patrons, and dance around my last tables to remixed Mariah Carey and Bel-Biv-DeVoe when the weekend DJ came in. I’m making good money, but the void in my heart is so large, it’s nearly being swallowed whole.
So many friends hitting deadlines and word counts, and I can’t even plot a chapter. It’s beyond writers block, yet I want it back so badly. This is what I want to do, but it leaves me in tears. I want to write the book sitting on the stove. I know where I want it to go, and what I want to do. But I can’t. I’ve tried every time of day to write. It’s gut-wrenching that I can barely get a paragraph out. I have no idea what to do. Now that my training has died down and I have free time, I want to start writing. I want to give SAFE WITH YOU the attention it deserves post-publication. I am still so proud of it. I want to start editing book two (ESCAPE WITH ME). I miss Cam. I miss Natasha. I miss Dale. I miss being satisfied. I miss being somewhat whole.
Most of all, I miss being happy and proud of myself. Hopefully, now that I’ve gotten all this out, I can start to do that again. Advice welcome, hugs needed.